Love is Tough

3:00 a.m

I am laying in my husband’s arms crying as Jachin is in his room screaming, “MOMMY, MOMMY”.

The last two weeks Jachin has not been sleeping. He won’t stay in his bed when we put him to bed in the evening. In the evenings, it usually takes around an hour of continuously putting him back to bed for him to go to sleep. Then he was waking up anytime between 1-5 a.m. He wouldn’t stay in his bed and can’t go back to sleep. He then won’t nap more than an hour during the day. We have tried everything we can think of to keep him in bed. The only way we have found to keep him in his bed is if one of us lays on the floor next to his bed for the rest of the night. Usually it has to be Jason because I am still getting up at night to feed the baby. Jason really needed some sleep so this night I got up with Jachin. I got the pack n play out to put him in. As I am laying him down, he starts screaming and grabbing on to me, I tell him that I love him enough to do this. He needs sleep. The household needs sleep.

It was tough. So tough. Love is tough. Love is doing what has to be done for the best of the other person. “Love your neighbor as yourself” does not mean you have to love yourself first before you are capable of loving someone else. It actually is assuming you already love yourself, which we all do, and therefore, we should love our neighbors as if they were ourselves. My son is my neighbor.

It was tough to not get up and go get him. I so badly wanted to go comfort my baby. Instead, I took a blanket and pillow and laid on the couch and prayed that God would comfort him and help him stop. The Lord was gracious and he only screamed about 20 minutes.

Love is tough. Sacrificing sleep for the well being of my children is tough.

Jachin was able to go back to sleep that night and the next day was semi-okay. I emailed our naturopath (subject line: I am going insane), and he responded within an hour. He said his guess would be that Jachin’s new supplements are working but are causing a die-off, detox, reaction that his liver just can’t handle. Therefore, stop all supplements for a week and take 2 liver supporters called “Calm” and “Sleepy”. Then slowly add back in the other supplements. The last 2 nights Jachin has gotten up at 5 a.m. and gone back to sleep and then this morning he got up at 6:15. Tonight he only got up once after we put him to bed and then went straight to sleep.

Love is tough.


The next day Jachin learned to climb out of the pack n play.



I have been contemplating humbleness lately. Why? Because as I learn about evils in the world, that although not new, are new to me, then I come to a crisis of sorts. If I acknowledge and believe that something is evil, that I have never known about before, then I have to acknowledge and feel grief about the people I know who have committed such evil. They may have committed that evil out of ignorance and not out of maliciousness but evil is evil and wrong is wrong. So, my question then is do we, do I, have the humbleness to acknowledge and apply what I have learned to my life? Can I be okay emotionally and spiritually knowing what I now know? If the time comes when it is shown to me that my actions in the past were evil or wrong in some way, do I have the spiritual maturity to repent?

I think this is something lacking in the American church. If we say something is evil and we know Christians who have committed that evil, we feel that we are saying that that person is evil, or bad, or wrong. Well, they are wrong. Why is that bad? Why is it bad to grow in the Lord, grow in knowledge, repent of past actions (whatever the reason for committing them), learn and change? Isn’t that part of the refining, the sanctifying process?

We, the Church, I, need humbleness. I need to be able to be reproached, to be taught, to be challenged to do what is right, to repent of the past, to grow.